i took a break at one point and we both stepped back and looked back at the almost-finished wall. he took one look at it and said “it’s kind of in the shape of a heart.” i looked closer, and realized he was right: i had subconsciously arranged my photo collage in the rough shape of a heart. i continued tacking on the pictures with this in mind.

i’m still not done (ran out of tape), but it really makes me laugh how things we love inspire us.

i’ve come to realize that those three letters are to be added to that small list.

i was always that girl that, if you asked me my opinion on it, i’d shake my head vigorously and say “NO MARTHA FOCKER WAY.” maybe it’s my natural cynicism, but i never believed that it worked, and any attempts to do so are in vain and should simply be put down and move away from.

well, now it seems like i’m headed in this direction. i want to say forced, but it’s not really forcing if i’m making a conscious decision to accept it. and i’m bat shit terrified.

who knows what the future holds. hell, one year ago today, had you told me that i would’ve gone through what i’ve gone through the past year, i would have panicked and hid from the world. i honestly could not tell you how i survived the past year to tell the tale.

the only advice i have to myself at this point is, if i can make it through the shit show that was the past year, i can pretty much handle anything you throw at me.

right?

i’m sorry i’m not your dream child. i’m sorry i didn’t grow up to study hard to one day be a doctor or a nurse or a lawyer or a banker. i’m sorry that i didn’t grow up wanting to be something practical. i’m sorry that, instead, i followed a “hobby,” and even though you tried to damnedest to keep me on your path by choosing my schools and guilting me to stay in them, that i chose my field of study and it wasn’t medicine or accounting or law or something practical. i’m sorry that i’m not yet in a stable career choice that allows me to live more vicariously. i’m sorry that rather than saving money to go on an expensive trip to an island locale, that i chose to save my money so i could learn to live on my own and depend on myself. i’m sorry i’m not doing things the way that you think i should.

actually, i take it back. i’m not sorry for any of those things.

the only thing i’m actually sorry about is that you don’t have it in yourself to trust that i’m going to be fine on my own, that you are expecting me to “prove you wrong.” well, guess what. i have nothing to prove to anyone but myself. you might think i’m doing this to prove something to you, but i’m not doing any of this for anyone but myself.

i’m done.

and i would say it is def love, when you spend all day being dragged around furniture stores, being asked to lift heavy things, and spend 5 hours putting together a bed and desk, which result in sore knees and swollen hands, and you aren’t sick of my stressing and whining. or maybe it’s patience. but mostly likely love.

yep. <3

and i did.

and i remember a) why i LOVE hanson, b) why i LOVE the piano, and c) oh yeah, this is what i’m supposed to be doing for the rest of my life. i need to stop being so lazy and kick my own ass into gear.

maybe after all the moving is done, and i finally have my own space (or a downstairs bedroom, where i might install sound-proofers on my walls as to not piss off the roomies).

laker parade on monday?
to quote the psychotic polar bear killer, “you betcha!”

there are very, VERY few things in my life that i can count on anymore. very, VERY few things that have ever remained consistent. people have come, people have gone. i’ve seen the best and i’ve seen the worst.

but nothing has ever been consistent at making me feel alive, myself, and happy, as hanson has.

this album is AMAZING. i can’t even put into words how it felt to listen to it for the first time (aside from the 5of5 premier). every track has something special going for it. start to finish, no filler. i cannot pick one favorite song.

today, as a whole, was a really really good day. helped a lot that the lakers need TWO MORE W’s for a repeat.

but no, they went and fuxed it up. BOOOOO.

they better win on thursday, or all hell is gonna break loose. believe it.

normally i would consider this kind of song to be uber cheesy and probably get somewhat annoying after awhile, a la “tik tok” by ke$ha.
but i hear it on the radio this morning and listened to the lyrics and smiled. seriously, i’m kinda glad to be a california girl (not gurl, haha). i can’t imagine being anything else. this song isn’t completely accurate, but it makes me smile to think about how fun it is to live here.
and, really, katy perry can do no wrong in my book.

oh, and the most important thing of all:

west coast > east coast.

sorry.

i dunno exactly what i’m trying to say. it may be the concussion talking. :/ which sucks because i don’t know if anything i do anymore is because i hit my head so hard or if i’m just naturally stupid. maybe both. hehe.

all right, here’s to blog v2.0. and this time, let’s do it RIGHT.